Ripples - 1-16-10

You never know how far the ripples of your actions will go.
How can one person seemingly underhand and unravel -everything- you know to be right and true in this world?
By one despicable deed. That's how.
And now so many lives, whether directly or indirectly are effected by it.
Gee, thanks for that. You're a real winner!
*rolls eyes*
Ugh. =/ 

-- 

Note from the OP:
This was the same day I got results from the doctor, after having been really ill there for a while, and finally saw someone in regards to it. The news, nonetheless, was less quite bad. My estranged husband, who I'd separated from just 4 months prior, had apparently brought home an STD (a curable one, thank goodness), and my body had been suffering with it for quite a long time, unbeknownst to me. It caused PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease), and had taken a toll on my reproductive organs. Whether or not I can have children in the future is debatable.
Oh, might I mention, when he got the news of how he'd ruined my life with that move, he had to, in turn, tell his g/f, who was seeing someone else too, and things just spiraled out of control. Good one there buddy... real good. I tell ya, those ripples will getcha.

New Year, Big Leap - 1/3/10

New Life.
Scary; but adrenaline charged.

At 4:44am, Jan 3 of this the new year, 2010, I made some official changes to my life that will only lead to one of two things.
Disaster or contentment.

Either way, I won't regret it. I mean, it's got to end somehow. Why not make the most of it? Have fun while I'm at it. Responsible fun though, b/c I'm a mom, lol.
I remember saying something once, to someone I desperately cared about and ended up having my heart torn out by (indirectly, mind you) that made perfect sense. I'll apply it here b/c it was good advice (that I should more often take rather than give away).

Just b/c the ending sucks, doesn't mean the beginning has to. (special thanks to Hugh Laurie and HOUSE writers for that one, it came in handy).

So, 2009 left, taking with it a failed marriage, a broken career, lost-along-the-way friends, a few extra pounds, but some damn good times too.
2009 also left some insight behind for me to feed off of. Like about how not to live 2010.
-How not to expect of others what you expect of yourself, b/c you'll only be let down.
-Eating after 7pm is bad for your health.
-Spoiling your children will rot them, just like it will fruit.
-Teaching them that it's ok to be kids, priceless.
-Sharing your recipe for happiness does not translate into sharing your spouse with your best friend, no matter how much they tell you they thought it was ok.
-Good friends are like good shoes. Some come and go with styles and seasons, but there are few that you've had for many years, that go with any outfit, in any weather, are super comfy and would make you genuinely sad had you ever have to give them up.
-Regularly spontaneous road trips maintain sanity.
-God works in mysterious ways.
-The mountains have cleaner air, therefore making it more pleasant to breathe (unless you're in Colorado, where you'd be breathing in what's called mountain dust and it makes you cough and hack).
-There's always someone, somewhere who thinks you're beautiful/good looking.
-You can NEVER have too many pictures; more often than not, you'll find you don't have enough, and wish you had taken more while you had the chance.

Just to name a few.

*Most importantly, I learned from 2009 that things like love, happiness, and living are all decisions. You can either choose to live, or not. Decide to love someone or not. Be happy or not. The rest is just commitment to the idea; and commitment, depending on your personality, takes work.
Which would explain why some of us are so damn unsettled and cranky all the time. Most ppl don't like to work.
So this is me, making my decision to live, love, and be happy. Yep. 2010 should be an Amazing and Awesome year, much like myself <3
HAPPY FREAKING NEW YEAR FOLKS!! FOR AULD LANG SYNE! XD
-----
Note from the OP:
For the record (posting as of now, today, 2/18/11), this did actually end in disaster, but I still learned something. This was a bit more upbeat than previous posts, which is a nice change, but there are more depressing ones to come. I was only at the beginning of my journey, and frankly, was not at all prepared for it. You will see. But I promise, it ends happily... just gonna take several more past entries to get there!--- or you could mosey on over to my other blogs to see proof for yourself! *wink*
Thanks for the love ppls! <3

Russian Roulette, a convo - 12/1/09

wish2the_moon: Hey, can we chat for a little while?
-My Friend: Ok
wish2the_moon: My wheels are spinning, as usual for this time of night. Ugh.

-My Friend: Ah, I know that feeling alllll too well. And I hate it, lol.

wish2the_moon: I got that panicky feeling inside... the kind that shakes my insides... the one I've blogged about. Anxiety I think.

-My Friend: That's the one. How come?

wish2the_moon: It's my mood lately. I'm listening to Riahnna's song "Russian Roulette"... and it appeals to me at the moment, and my mood. Have you heard it? I think it might be easier to understand... but maybe not.. who knows. I'm so all over the board with this feeling.

wish2the_moon: you have no idea how I struggle within, this is why I don't get attached to ppl. And I'm not talking with just you. With ppl in general. I blame my mother for this. And my son's father. And my husband. And my best girlfriends who fucked my husband.

-My Friend: O_O

wish2the_moon: all I can hear is this song. It's speaking volumes to me right now.
-My Friend: Damn, sweetie...

wish2the_moon: When I look at pictures of me... back when I was younger... I see someone else entirely, a stronger person

wish2the_moon: but that's the thing. My mind has it backwards. I know that I'm stronger today than I was then...but when I look in the mirror, all I see is weakness, behind a shield

wish2the_moon: maybe that's why I perceive my younger self as stronger; b/c I faced things head on, with no fear

wish2the_moon: but I was... I was so afraid then. I just was too arrogant to realize it. now that I'm admitting it, I've lost that "invincible" attitude

wish2the_moon: I think I liked the old me better. She looked better, she was more fun. She was -happier-, that being the key word

-My Friend: God I know exactly what you mean. I've been thinking about the same damn thing lately about myself.

wish2the_moon: A friend of mine, he says "Now you tread with wisdom considering each step" --- but I don't think that's it. I think I just tread with caution, and paranoia. Who wants to live like that?

-My Friend: Nobody should. I do it myself and I hate it...

wish2the_moon: he says things will be better when the dust settles, but that's just it. The dust will never settle. There is always a certain amount of calamity to my life... I've learned to just deal.

wish2the_moon: but I don't want to just deal anymore. I want to just -be- ... for once in my life, I just want to -be-

-My Friend: There's no escape from the dust. It sticks to you. So even when you've brushed yourself off, something lingers to bring you down.

wish2the_moon: Babe, I'm so afraid. Terrified. I don't know if you know how much I mean that.

wish2the_moon: What's to become of me?
-My Friend: I wish I could tell you. I've got all your same questions but even less answers than you have already...
wish2the_moon: *cries* I hate it *frowns*

-My Friend: *hugs* I fucking hate it too. For me and for you.

wish2the_moon: I wish I could cry it out and be done with it. But crying does me no good. It's all still there when I'm done.
wish2the_moon: I'm so lost
wish2the_moon: I just want to crawl under a rock, let it go, and emerge much later a different and happier being.

wish2the_moon: I've forgotten how to be happy

-My Friend: You and me both. It just seems like its never going to get better.

-My Friend: It's a constant weight that lets up from time to time but never lifts. All we can do is trudge on and hope for a breath whenever we can get it until fate decides to let us free.

wish2the_moon: fate. there's the punch to the gut.
-My Friend: Yup...

wish2the_moon: I guess happily ever after really is just a fairy tale. I suppose all I can hope for is to find companionship with someone equally as miserable as me, and hope that we find solace in eachother's misery.

wish2the_moon: solitude seems bittersweet at this moment
wish2the_moon: b/c if that's the way it's supposed to end up, then that fuckin sucks. I'd rather just be alone... I think. =/

wish2the_moon: I don't know Babe, what do you think?

-My Friend: Sometimes I really do agree with that statement. A lot of the time, actually.
-My Friend: But I still hope that it'll get better...

wish2the_moon: how can you? How have you not lost hope? And how do i get mine back?

-My Friend: I probably should've lost hope, but I guess I'm just too stubborn to let it go.

wish2the_moon: sounds like you and I have switched places tonight. I'm supposed to be the optimistic one. *shakes head in disgust w/herself*

-My Friend: I'm usually only optimistic with everyone but myself.

wish2the_moon: I hate being like this. I find depression melodramatic and unattractive. Ugh.

-My Friend: I know what you mean. And those same thoughts occur to me every damn day.

wish2the_moon: y'know what I find strange? How ppl come to me day in and day out with their problems, and there always seems to be a solution. I always seem to be able to say just the right thing to help and make things better. But I can't help my own damn self. WTF is up with that?

-My Friend: I'm the same damn way and it's soooooooo monumentally frustrating.

wish2the_moon: hence seeing as how you and I have the same damn issue... we can't even help eachother. lame.

-My Friend: I know
-My Friend: It blows.

Winging It - 11/19/09

So, as I'm walking up to the hi-chair this mornin, scrambled eggs in hand, it hits me outta nowhere like a ton of bricks---
I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.
I mean, what qualifies me to be a mom?
I realized that no matter how much I plan & prep, I really am just winging this from day to day. It kinda scared me......
in a "rock your world" kinda sense, like "whoa."
Who knew?

Insanity -1/31/09

Sometimes, I wish they sold 'lives' down at the market or in dept stores.
Just go down the isle, pick one up, read the "nutritional facts" maybe even have a "try me" button to preview said item.
I've outgrown this life, and I want a new one.
But y'know, as with anything else, I bet they'd be hella expensive.
Only the ppl with good lives could afford em, and that'd just be insanity.
Damn.
There goes that idea.
Freaking Coporate America.
Grr...
=/

Old Folks - 8/27/09

It's funny how old folks are so comfortable with the notion of death. I know it's a fact of life, but I just can't get over some of the things my clients say.

For instance, last month, one of my clients, age 85, asked me to make a phone call for her. I put the phone on speaker and dialed the number. No answer and no machine. I hang up and state the obvious, "No answer."
She says, with the most apathetic look on her face, "Oh well. Maybe she's dead."
I just stared at her for a second, and she looked at me and started laughing. She asked why I was looking at her so funny, and I just giggled and said, "I can't believe you are so nonchalant about that,"
She goes on to tell me when you get to be her age, death is just an everyday thing.

Just today, another one of my clients, age 88, came to me and handed me a Christmas card with a phone number on it. Again, I was to make another phone call. He just wanted me to dial the number and he would speak. As I was dialing the long distance number, he told me that the card I was holding was from year before last and that he hadn't received one from last year. He was afraid his friend had "left the land of the living" as he so eloquently put it. He said as it was ringing, "I'll be surprised if she answers,"
Sure enough she did, and what I heard next had me laughing. I hear, "Hello? Dorothy? Oh good, you're not dead." LOL!

At their age and health, death is just a normality. I guess for someone my age, it's difficult to comprehend, but it is soothing for me to know that they are comfortable with the idea of dying. Them being ready makes it a lot easier for me, and will make it less stressful when their time comes. Either way, until then, their candor on the issue is cause for a few giggles.

Less Than Ten - 5/5/2008

I got a lil less than ten minutes to spleal before my husband wakes up and fusses at me for being on the computer so early in the morning.
 

Sometimes, I feel so absolutely overwhelmed with helplessness that I feel as if my lungs are gonna collapse and I'll die of suffocation. I worry a lot more than what I let on. And even though I say I don't care what other ppl think, I'm really reaching out for their approval, and I don't know why.
 

I talked with a friend of mine the other day, who's been my friend for more than 6 years. He's the most laid back and carefree individual I know. But on this day, he was kinda, well the opposite of carefree, and that really freaked me out. Got me thinking and pondering...and then as usual, the thoughts just starting spinning outta control in my head.
 

Then last night, to make things worse, I stayed up horribly late watching PBS. Materpiece Theatre came on and it was an episode of "The Complete Jane Austen Series." It was the one called "Miss Austen Regrets" and it was about her life and times as she recalled them during her writings of her books up til she fell ill and died. Man, oh man, did I relate to that woman. It really scared the crap outta me. I don't want to end up like her, and I feel as if I'm headed down that path with no one to help me or point me in the other direction. I guess you'd have to see it to understand what I mean.
 

Things here at the homefront have been rocky. They've been rocky for a while now, and I think that's where my helplessness feeling comes from. It's not in the ideal of making things better, but the fact of knowing really that I can't and what's gonna happen to us when it's all said and done. Starting over is an excruciating process that I would rather have pass me by in a most unfortunate way than have to go through again; but that'll never happen, luckily I suppose. I just wish so hard that it didn't have to be like this. I want to wave a magic wand and make it all better, make it go back to the way it used to be, but that won't happen.

I guess there comes a time in your life when you realize that sometimes it's just better to leave your broken heart where it lay rather than to keep trying to pick up the pieces. I've tried putting everything back together, but the glue's not sticking, and I dunno if maybe I'm using the wrong glue or what, but I think that maybe, this situation just doesn't want to be fixed.

And there in lies my worry----and the vicious cycle starts all over again, and I get that panicky feeling that I just can't seem to shake. UGH
 

I read something today that really made me think. It was on a really good friend's profile---so thank you to him, and here it is---some food for thought:

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right, you believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together. - Marilyn Monroe

I don't know quite yet what to make of that, but I don't have time to ponder on it. My husband's alarm went off about 15 min ago, and I think he just turned it off and rolled back over. So, duty calls. To anyone who reads this, (not like anyone would...no one has subscribed to my blog except my husband) just pray for me please. I could use all the help I can get. Really.